It’s taking me all day to do simple tasks like wash my hair, in this week’s We’re Prudence.

Each week in the Tuesday column, Prudence asks readers for their thoughts on a question that has her stumped. She’ll post her final thoughts on the matter on Fridays.

Here’s this week’s dilemma and answer; thanks to AshDHD, Cat, Katie, Aimee, Sylvie, Jennie D. for their ideas!

Dear Prudence,

I’ve (F22) always had issues with executive function/procrastination. For a while, I convinced myself I had ADHD, but my doctor says it’s not bad enough for a diagnosis. Even if he’s wrong, I can’t afford a second opinion. As an example: I woke up at 8 a.m. today (Saturday) intending to wash my hair (an activity I enjoy). It is 4:30 a.m., and I have just finished doing that. I spent most of the day in bed playing phone games and trying to will myself out of it.

To be fair, this is a bit worse than usual. I have coping mechanisms that work ok. I’m not depressed: not apathetic/suicidal, still love doing my hobbies when I can convince myself to, have a fulfilling part-time job, etc. My life is good overall! But days like this come along often, and I’m constantly behind in school, disappointing my friends, and never sleeping enough. Any tips for someone who’s just naturally more weak-willed than average? Is there some silver bullet Pomodoro-time-audit-life-changing-system I’m missing out on? If I just need to stop being a wimp and suck it up, please tell me!

—It’s Now 5 a.m. Because I Wrote This Letter Instead of Going to Bed

Dear 5 a.m.,

I received an overwhelming number of responses to your letter, and almost all of them (with the exception of one signed “Vet,” which suggested that you join the military to get some discipline) made similar points.

1) This one doctor doesn’t get the final word. Doctors can be wrong. While it’s impossible for Prudie and Friends to diagnose you, the struggles you describe deserve attention, however they’re labeled.

2) Your concerns about your ability to afford further medical care are real but there may be options, possibly including your school’s mental health services department. And some providers have sliding scales. (I know looking into this will be no small task, given the difficulties with procrastination and executive function you describe. Maybe you could ask a friend for help.)

3) There are a ton of practical tips and tricks, apps and strategies you can use to keep yourself from feeling stuck and do the things you need to do. Take it from people who have been where you are.

AshDHD: First of all, you are NOT naturally weak-willed! Many people with ADHD/executive functioning difficulties believe this about themselves when it’s simply that our brains are just wired to think and behave differently than many others. Since you are not in a position to seek a second opinion on a diagnosis, for the time being I’d encourage you to look into content creators with ADHD. Jessica McCabe, known on YouTube as How to ADHD, is a great one to start with. Content like this may not only validate your experiences, but provide numerous strategies that might make navigating executive functioning difficulties easier. Not all strategies will work for you, and some will only work for a while before you need a new one. That’s ok! All part of the journey of supporting your unique brain. When/If you do come to the point of seeking a diagnosis again, refer to the DSM-V criteria for ADHD and note specific examples from your life of the criteria that impacts you regularly. This will give you a helpful framework from which to speak about your experiences. Good luck! Know that there is nothing wrong with you and you deserve support.

Cat: Your doctor is wrong. A good psychologist or neurologist will tell you that something is “bad enough” for a diagnosis when it impacts your daily quality of life. Everything you described in your letter sounds like classic inattentive-style ADD. If you were really just “being lazy,” you’d be having way more fun. Instead, your frustration with this cycle you find yourself stuck in shines through in your letter. Underdiagnoses and misdiagnosis of neurodivergences in female presenting people is rampant.

There’s a reason women tend to get diagnosed later in life. I got diagnosed with autism at 37 and it was such a relief to have confirmation of what was going on—but it took me that long to get both the right combination of money and medical care to make that happen. Keep fighting for the help you deserve.

Katie: You need to find another doctor! All of the symptoms you describe sound like classic ADHD symptoms, and they’re causing you distress. A doctor who says your symptoms aren’t “bad enough” is not the right doctor for you—if they don’t think it’s ADHD, they should be willing to explore other forms of executive dysfunction issues to find what is the problem! Women are extremely underdiagnosed with ADHD, and because we don’t present the same way as men, many doctors have a hard time believing and diagnosing women. I would seek out a therapist who specializes in adult ADHD, who can help explore these symptoms and give you a second opinion. Since you’re a student, I know money may be tight, but many therapists will prorate their fees for people with low incomes.

Aimee: Please check out the YouTube channel “How to ADHD” It’s geared towards people with ADHD and tips and tricks to hack your brain. Sometimes you need a little help motivating yourself to do what you need to do for self-care. Good luck and hope this helps! The channel is run by Jessica McCabe and she also published a book called “How to ADHD” if reading is easier for you!

Sylvie: First of all, I’m sorry to hear that your doctor thinks what you’re going through is not “bad enough for a diagnosis.” ADHD is significantly under-diagnosed in women, especially when it comes to the inattentive type (because hyperactivity is easier to observe). While it can be (infuriatingly) costly to get an official diagnosis, I encourage you to try and prioritize that—my life was significantly changed for the better when I got my diagnosis. A few things that have helped me that could help you, too, diagnosis or not: 1. CBT therapy (yes, therapy is also ridiculously expensive … but a good CBT-schooled therapist will give you actionable tips and tricks for mitigating executive function disorder). 2. Breaking to-do’s into insanely small pieces. So instead of “wash my hair,” I might put “get out of bed and drink a glass of water,” and then while I’m doing that, the journey to the shower doesn’t seem quite as far. For me, starting stuff is the hard part, so breaking that up into tiny, doable pieces helps a LOT. 3. Todoist: It’s an app where you can put any to-do item, from big to small, on a checklist with a due date (“Tuesday: water plant”). I find that being able to check things off is immensely satisfying and helps motivation (some people also enjoy crossing things off on a physical list). 4. PHONE BREAKS! Phones are wired to absolutely hijack our attention, especially for those of us with executive functioning issues. Try putting your phone in a literal box/tin/drawer, even for 20 minutes, and note what it does to your brain/attention span. “Dopamine Nation” is an interesting book about balancing all of the dopamine hits modern life offers (and dopamine is very intimately related to executive dysfunction). Other than that, eating well/getting regular exercise/being strict about sleep hygiene are all helpful things to stay the course. But again, I wouldn’t give up trying to get diagnosed… medication can be life-changing for some folks (it was for me, for a long time). Good luck!

Jennie D: Although it’s really easy to see your own situation in each Dear Prudence letter writer, I really related to this writer in particular. I’m 33 now and was finally diagnosed with ADHD and generalized anxiety disorder last year, and after many, many years finally understand how ADHD and anxiety contribute to periodic depression. Similar to the letter writer, I have always felt like I have a good life and hated myself for years because I couldn’t understand why I was so lazy and such a procrastinator and felt like I messed up so many good things in my life and felt like I was constantly disappointing people. It sucked. There have been times in my life where I was depressed but was functioning well-enough, which allowed me to deny I was depressed (and looking back it feels really silly to be depressed but not acknowledge it but it happens).

For example, in college I was a full-time student, VP of a student club, had 3 internships and was going to parties regularly and hanging out with friends, but I was super unhappy on the inside. I hated myself because I would think “my life is so good! What’s wrong that I’m so unhappy and so unmotivated?” but looking back I had a lot of my issues were connected to undiagnosed ADHD and anxiety. Getting diagnosed this year helped me let go of a lot of the shame and self-hatred I held onto for years. Now that I’m not holding on to that stuff, I’m able to work with my doctors to find real solutions to help manage my life with ADHD and anxiety.

I think the letter writer should find another doctor and get another opinion about ADHD soon. Hopefully they can find a good therapist as well to further explore some of the things they mentioned. There’s a lot stigma about ADHD and it not being a “real” disorder, even among doctors.

And some doctors do not understand mental health issues. (Example: at one point my mom had such severe anxiety that she couldn’t make left turns when driving. When she talked to her doctor, the doctor told her to “worry less” (!!). What a tone-deaf response from a medical professional about a serious medical issue! My mom also had thyroid issues and that same doctor did an excellent job of treating her thyroid. Her doctor was a really good internist but was not an expert on mental health disorders. Luckily my mom got a second opinion about her anxiety and has been on anxiety medication for over a decade now and has no more issues driving.) Doctors are people too and they have their own biases. Always remember that. It never hurts to get a second opinion. Good luck!

The most important takeaway message here might be that you are not weak willed, and you are not alone. So many readers could relate to your experience. My hope is that even if you aren’t able to get the medical care you deserve right away, you’ll be convinced that you have options much better than “stop being a wimp and suck it up.”