The hustler government wishes to dispel the rumours currently doing the rounds that President William Ruto is not happy with the manner in which top officers in the Executive branch have been embarrassing him lately, and that he’s currently in New York shopping for new brooms to help him dust his cabinet, which has been developing cobwebs for a year now.
The true position is that since he left the country 10 days ago, the president has neither visited a carpentry workshop in the United States nor has he held bilateral talks with a foreign president to lend him money to buy brooms and any associated cleaning tools and equipment.
There is a reason why the government is proposing to increase taxes on alcohol and other drugs – to discourage hustlers from looking for fake news in liquor stores instead of reading the Bible and keeping in touch with Benny Hinn.
The Bible warns us in Mathew 24 that the only way you will know we’re living in the end times is when hustlers of all nations start witnessing great distress and many will start hating you because of your faithfulness to the Lord. We do not have the spiritual powers to stop the prophecy of the Lord from being fulfilled in our country, as doing so would amount to divine sacrilege.
Blackmail voters
One year ago, when we warned hustlers that our 2022 presidential campaign was a heavenly calling to restore Kenya back to the body of Christ, many nonbelievers accused us of using the Bible as a political tool to blackmail voters in the absence of a practical roadmap to revive the economy and lift hustlers out of the dire poverty situation they found themselves in.
One year later, we have been forced to use taxpayers’ money to send a search party to the United States to go look for Benny Hinn to convince him to come to Kenya to relay the message of the Lord to all hustlers. As the Bible prophesied in the Book of Luke 4:24, no prophet is accepted in his own country, and that’s why we’ve decided to seek professional help from our colleagues outside the country who have a track record of praying for El Nino rains not to expose our poor state of national disaster preparedness.
Moreover, and most importantly, when the president went out to look for the best brains the country could offer to serve in his cabinet, never in the history of recent memory can we remember him sharing with us his marking scheme on what constituted a best brain in order for us to evaluate the effectiveness of his recruitment policy.
In any case, when we promised to weed the civil service off the arrogance and contempt the children of dynasty had subjected us to since independence, where did you expect Mama Mboga and Boda Boda riders to have received enough capacity building to know how to run a Ministry when all they had ever managed before was a roadside chicken kiosk? As such, those who don’t believe in God should let us run the country on autopilot as we look for funds to take Mama Mboga to aviation school using the new University Funding Model.
We wish, therefore, to remind those currently putting undue pressure on the hustler government to always remember that the president was elected by God and only Him has the powers to make changes to the cabinet as per His wishes that He promised to relay through his prophets as and when necessary.
As far as we’re concerned, the hustler government is yet to receive a divine memo from any of the local prophets claiming to have been sent by God to reshuffle the cabinet. For this reason alone, we would like thank the First Lady for taking matters into her own hands and leading a delegation to the United States to look for Benny Hinn to pronounce himself on this crucial matter of national importance. As we wait for the international prophet of the Lord to deliver the writing on the wall, we would like to assure all hustlers to disregard any false prophets who have been sent to antagonise the God-chosen government against the people. In the fullness of time, we will prove that the devil is a liar, and so is his mother in-law.
Billionaire prophets
This is why we are insisting that those clever mouths currently accusing the cabinet of failure to inspire confidence among Kenyans should first tell us where in the Bible it was written that Kenya is the promised land of milk and honey for us to believe them that hustlers deserve better from their government. They should be informed that the hustler government is also waiting for the return of Jesus Christ to take us to heaven so we can enjoy taxpayers’ money.
We wish to take this earliest opportunity to urge all hustlers to disregard the noise coming from our competitors who do not believe in God, and dig deeper into their pockets to support the First Lady with more taxes so that she can accord Benny Hinn the five-star treatment that we promised hustlers when they get to heaven. Any hustler who is opposed to their taxes being used to hire billionaire prophets to come pray for Kenya are the anti-Christ the Bible warned us about and we shall defeat them again in 2027 in Jesus’ name.
The hustler government urges all prophets the president appointed to the cabinet to continue doing the Lord’s work and ignore the rumours that they’re causing public apprehension and making the president unpopular among hustlers.
We would like to remind them that if the president wanted a compassionate and empathetic group to help him run the country, he would have staffed his cabinet with members drawn from the Kenya Conference of Catholic Bishops.
