If you’ve ever worked with someone from the West, you may have been surprised by how direct they can be. If they’re disappointed or frustrated, they’ll tell you straight to your face—quite different from what we’re used to as Filipinos.
To better understand why this difference exists, we consulted experts Celine Sugay-Costales, a licensed psychologist and certified positive psychology coach, and Celine Ann T. Ibay, a mental health occupational therapist.
Difficult conversations are inescapable in any relationship, whether personal or professional. In a previous article, Sugay-Costales and Ibay shared to GMA News Online some strategies on how to initiate and respond constructively to difficult conversations.
For us Filipinos, deeply ingrained cultural traits can come into play in the way we view and handle such conversations.These traits, after all, shape our views and behaviors, and influence how we interface and form relationships with others.
What are some of these cultural traits?
Pakikisama and Respeto
A study found that Filipinos, like many other Asians—such as the Japanese and Malaysians—tend to adopt group-oriented behavior. We often prioritize our kapwa, defined as “a shared identity—an inner self shared with others,” and defer individual perspectives to group consensus. This also explains the expectation toward younger people to show courtesy toward their elders.
In Filipino culture, pakikisama emphasizes harmony in relationships, meaning those who don’t conform to group or authority expectations, including elders, may be seen as disrupting harmony and labeled walang pakisama (lacking consideration).
That said, it’s not uncommon for Filipinos to avoid difficult conversations altogether to avoid appearing disruptive. When conversations are necessary, some choose to stay quiet or agree with whatever is expected of them to prevent arguments or being seen as walang pakisama.
For example, an employee might agree to extra work, even if it’s overwhelming, simply to avoid having an uncomfortable discussion about job expectations and fair workload and to prevent potential conflict with their boss or colleagues.
Since pakikisama is closely tied to the culture of respect, actions that go against these expectations—such as not yielding to others’ wishes or following social norms—can be seen not only as a lack of consideration but also as a lack of respect, which can cause offense.
“Difficult conversations tend to make us feel that we’re contradicting or opposing the other person,” said Sugay-Costales.
Ibay also said that Filipinos avoid these conversations, particularly heated arguments between children and parents, because of our deep-rooted value of “respect.”
“We were taught as children to respect our elders at all times, at any situation and conversation,” she added.
Sugay-Costales shared the same sentiments, noting, “We were taught as children to respect adults and others. Respect came in the form of not answering back or even questioning our elders. The way we were taught ‘respect’ came in staying quiet and following.”
Many adults of this generation can share a similar experience: being expected to follow without question.
“This [behavior] then translates into adulthood. We think that by avoiding difficult conversations, we respect the other person,” she said.
But why is there an expectation to remain quiet and passively follow older people without question?
Per Ibay, voicing one’s beliefs—especially when they differ from others—can be seen as disrespectful.
“Older adults might interpret this as their adult children talking back or mocking them when, in reality, the children are simply expressing and asserting their thoughts, hoping to be understood from their perspective,” she shared.
An example of this was the rift between Carlos Yulo and his mother Angelica. The dispute highlighted the stark generational divide in mindsets and how each strongly or loosely holds on to particular cultural expectations.
Utang na Loob and Hiya
A significant theme in the social media conversations surrounding the Yulo family’s rift revolves around utang na loob, a uniquely Filipino concept referring to a deep sense of obligation to repay a favor owed to another. Its essence is difficult to capture in other languages, but it’s a fundamental value in Filipino culture.
While utang na loob is often viewed as positive, it can easily tip the balance of fairness, favoring one party. As a result, it can deter people from initiating conversations, knowing that invoking this “right,” often based on authority, can make it difficult to assert their perspective or needs.
For instance, this cultural expectation appears when older adults respond with, “Di ka ba nahihiya sa sinasabi mo?” when a younger adult asserts themselves, according to Ibay.
“Being assertive is seen as defiance, especially in Filipino culture, when in reality, the person just wants to be heard,” she said.
Sugay-Costales, for her part, added, “Utang na loob may prevent us from speaking up or addressing certain issues because we feel we owe the other person.”
Regardless of what that person does, owing them a favor can make them seem untouchable, shielding them from feedback or making us hesitant to risk offending them.
Dr. Anna Tuazon, a clinical psychologist, also shared her thoughts about the Yulo family’s rift in “The Howie Severino Podcast” back in August.
According to Tuazon, utang na loob as an “indigenous value” is not a transaction but a relationship. She also lamented that this Filipino value has turned into a bad word and has somehow been distorted into something that is transactional.
In the case of Carlos and his mother, while some may invoke the virtue of utang na loob to pressure the athlete into reconciling with his mom, there are also those who’d support him in prioritizing his personal well-being.
“A Dialogue on Gratefulness: A Study on the Filipino Account of Utang na Loob” further explains that hiya (shame) plays a critical role in reinforcing utang na loob. While hiya doesn’t always accompany utang na loob, the latter is almost always underpinned by hiya, creating social pressure. As a result, a person may fulfill utang na loob obligations out of fear of public shame.
Consequently, someone who fails to repay or acknowledge their utang na loob is often labeled as walang utang na loob (ungrateful). Neglecting utang na loob also means disregarding hiya, leading one to be labeled as walang hiya or shameless—a derogatory term no one wants to be associated with.
In many cases, children who are taught to stay quiet and avoid confrontation grow into adults who are afraid to assert themselves.
Sugay-Costales explained that hiya may prevent a person from speaking up, leading to conversations that never happen.
“We might not share what we need to say because we might be wrong or make the other person feel bad,” she said.
Even when difficult conversations do take place, hiya can still be at play, causing someone to hold back, avoid addressing important issues, or simply agree with the other person. “We don’t want them to feel bad, or we fear being wrong or looking stupid,” she added.
Hiya doesn’t just prevent you from starting or engaging in conversations—it can also be demanded of you when you begin to assert yourself.
The study also said that utang na loob as a virtue is usually seen in parent-child relationships because “the gift of life of parents to children is the most valuable unsolicited gift a person can receive.”
Navigating Filipino Cultural Traits in Difficult Conversations
In Filipino culture, navigating difficult conversations is influenced by ingrained traits. While these cultural expectations promote harmony and gratitude, they can also stifle open communication and prevent meaningful discussions, especially with elders and authority figures.
The rift between Carlos and his mother may be one example of the generational clash between upholding traditional obligations and prioritizing personal well-being.
But from it, one may also glean this: that there are modern Filipinos who are challenging cultural norms. They are upholding their need to find a balance between maintaining respect for tradition and embracing the importance of honest, sometimes difficult, conversations – for personal growth and healthier relationships.
— CDC, GMA Integrated News
