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Jokes for those who are Laughing under the Layout!

For the Irish politically incorrect
      Boyle sat in a Belfast confessional. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned," he said. "I've blown up three hundred miles of English railroad!"
     "All right, my son," admonished the priest. "For penance, you need to go back out and finish off the stations!

Quando Omni Flunkus Moratati

If all else fails, play dead.

Female Railfan Discovered: Experts Amazed
      Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.
     Anthropologists having discovered a living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950. She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on television and has built super-detailed O Scale locomotives. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of 48/ft, O Scale News magazine."
     The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still…"

"I prefer my trains to my wife…"

Mel Torme, after his divorce

The Example
       A bum, who obviously has seen more than his share of hard times, approaches a well dressed gentleman on the street.
     "Hey, buddy, can you spare two dollars?"
     The well-dressed gentleman responds, "You're not going to spend it on liquor, are you?"
     "No, sir, I don't drink," retorts the bum.
     "You're not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?" asks the gentleman.
     "No way, I don't gamble," answers the bum.
     "You wouldn't waste the money at a model train store to improve your layout, would you?" asks the man.
     "No, never," says the bum, "I don't play with trains."
     The gentleman then asks the bum if he would like to come back to his house for a home cooked meal. The bum accepts eagerly. While they're heading for the man's house, the bum's curiosity gets the better of him.
     The bum asks: "Isn't your wife going to be angry when she sees a guy like me at your table?"
     "Probably," says the man, "but it will be worth it. I want her to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, gamble or play with trains."

A brain like a BB in a boxcar.

Full throttle, dry tank.

Need a Bigger Couch?l
     Bill Smith sat moodily over his drink, and his friend said, "You look pretty blue, Bill. What's the matter?"
     Bill said, "My psychiatrist says that I'm in love with my O Scale GG-1 and that that's the source of my troubles." "In love with your GG-1? That's silly" his friend said.
     "Yes. Isn't that ridiculous?" Bill replied. "Oh, I like and respect my GG-1. I have enjoyed its company, visiting its cousins at railway museums, and spending time with it these last few years… but love?"  
A few volts below threshold.

A few open splices.

     Two Parisian model train enthusiasts were engrossed operating their scale equipment in Montemarte. As the little trains went running about the tracks, cleverly controlled by the operators at the control panel, one of the engines kept falling off the rails each time it went through a certain siding switch.
     One of the hobbyists, exasperated at the constant derailment, asked the other if he had an explanation. His partner examined the faulty switch and suddenly came upon the reason.
     
"
Ah, Pierre," he cried, "I see now the reason why the train she keep derailing It is too loose, le track."

Any slower, he'd be in reverse.

A span short of a bridge.

     Up in the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever by the name of Conductor. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him.
     "Good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit.
     The next year they came back. "
Conductor got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day," said the mountaineer. Again they agreed, and two days later came back with the limit.
     The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have
Conductor, even it cost $100.00 a day.
     "You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00."
     "But we don't understand, what happened to him?" asked the group. "Well, a crew from that there Dallas come up and rented him. One of those idiots called him
Engineer, and since then he's just been sittin' on his rear end barkin' ever since!!!"

Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.

     A tinplate collector, a rail historian and an O Scale model railroader had a drink at a convention and began discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
     The historian said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
     The collector said he enjoyed time away with his mistress, because of her passion and mystery.
     The O Scaler said, "I like both."
     "Both?"
     "Yeah," the O Scaler replied. "If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman. Then  you can go down to your club and have some real fun whenever you want."

Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.

     When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.
     It is proposed to strap giant slabs of hot buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground.
     Using the giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago for a minimal cost.

Gate's down, lights flashing, but train ain't coming…

On the way from Ft. Worth to Cleburne, a fat lady was sitting beside a thin one on the train. The skinny lady said: “Conductor, I think you ought to charge people according to their weight.” He said, “Lady, if we did that, we sure wouldn’t have stopped for you.”

Lawyer: Did you see the automobile approaching the railroad track?

Crossing Watchman: "Yes sir and I said to myself, That sure was a nice car — was'nt it?"

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