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Dear Care and Feeding,
My good friend “Myra” and her husband “Amos” have been married for 10 years, and have an 8-year-old son, “Pete.” Both come from old-school families where constantly arguing is just a way of life, and the concepts of “mental health” and “therapy” are scoffed at and considered weaknesses. Within the past year, their arguing has been happening more often, in front of other people, especially when one or both of them are drinking. There have now been three times that I’ve been present for when things between them get very tense and uncomfortable, and their son gets very upset.
Normally, I’d never say anything to anyone about their personal business, especially their parenting. But, Myra and I went out for lunch the other day, and she mentioned that Pete has become more sensitive lately and cries over everything.
No, I did not say anything about how I’ve witnessed how her and Amos’s fighting affects their son, but I really wanted to, and I’m wondering if it is appropriate in this situation, since I’ve seen it for myself. So, what say you: Would it be out of line to bring this up to Myra, and if not, how do I do so in the most non-confrontational way possible, and also with a message that will get through to Myra’s “get over it” attitude?
—For Pete’s Sake
Dear Pete’s Sake,
It wouldn’t be out of line for you to share your observations with Myra—it would be the right thing for you to do. The fact that she mentioned Pete’s sensitivity opens the door for you to start the conversation. Let Myra know that you wanted to talk to her about this over lunch the other day, but that you weren’t sure what to say. Gently let her know that you suspect that her and Amos’s fighting is having an impact on their son and that his crying may be evidence of that. Let her know that it is difficult for children to witness heated conflicts between their parents and that Pete may feel a lot better if they take efforts to shield him from their issues. Share with her the examples you mentioned of times where you witnessed this first hand. Offer to talk to her about her marital issues and suggest that while she has seemed resistant to the idea of therapy in the past, it may be helpful, both for she and Amos, as well as for Pete. Be as non-judgmental as possible; literally say “I’m not judging you, I know you’re doing your best to be a great mom to your son, but it really seems like he’s struggling and it wouldn’t be right for me to see that and not say anything.” There’s no guarantee that Myra will be receptive, but you owe it to Pete to at least try and get through to her.
—Jamilah
