Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I’m Elinor Jones and I will be serving as your guide to some random crap I found online to momentarily distract you from actual news, which is very sad, but also very important—please go back to that after you read this! These few minutes that we have together are for resting your weary brain, and maybe even making it just a little bit dumber. Let’s go!
Goblin Kings in Modern Art
Former President Donald Trump lost the defamation case brought against him by E. Jean Carroll and has been ordered to pay her 83 million dollars. The best part of this is that you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he will definitely resume talking shit about her, and she will sue him again! The woman is 80 years old; she has great lawyers and nothing but time. We should be so lucky to have such a fun hobby in our retirement! Carroll has said that she’ll put the money to good use. but she can put it straight up her nose for all I care, for she has already done the public a great service by putting the trial in motion which got Trump on the stand which ultimately resulted in the existence of this image:
At first when you see it you’re like, yikes, that is not a very good courtroom artist! But then you remember that the man is not a regular, and the artist totally nailed Trump’s mean gorilla shape and posture. I hope it some day hangs in the Louvre. Move over Mona Lisa smile, we’re here for the Donald Trump snarl. Protesters recently threw a bunch of pumpkin soup at the Mona Lisa, but if you throw pumpkin soup on Donald Trump, it would just blend in. Because he’s so orange. So nobody would care.
Nicki Minaj and the Men She Tweets About
Conservative short man Ben Shapiro is in a lot of the news this week which I loathe, but am gonna talk about anyway. First off, he went to Auschwitz with Elon Musk so that Musk could claim he is not antisemitic after tweeting something very antisemitic. Shapiro also apparently rapped on a single that went to #1 on iTunes, where he name-dropped Nicki Minaj, among others. Minaj went on to congratulate Shapiro for the single’s success. And I would also like to congratulate Shapiro—not for the single’s success, but for eking out title of “hugest loser mentioned on Nicki Minaj’s Twitter feed,” which was previously held by Minaj’s cousin’s friend in Trinidad who claimed that the COVID vaccine and not an STD were responsible for his swollen balls. Congratulations, Ben!
Hollyweird
Justin Timberlake released a new single that I don’t want to think about, but this does give me an excuse to see what his wife, Jessica Biel, is up to, and what she’s up to is deeply weird: She eats in the shower. I understand a shower beer. I could even get behind a shower snack. But according to Pajiba, Biel says that shower-safe foods include yogurt, popsicles, and cereal. Cereal?! It’s not even a finger food! You have to use both hands to eat it. And hot shower water would splash into the bowl? Logistically it’s a “no” for me. It does nothing to re-endear her problematic husband to us.
In other actress-eating news, Succession star Sarah Snook shared that as a young actress, she was once berated by a producer on-set for eating some cake, but these days she eats whatever she wants. And now she has two Golden Globes, and Emmy, and a celebrated backside, so methinks she knows what she’s doing! When Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake” she was predicting a future wherein gals needed to fill out their luxury trousers.
Anne Hathaway, already several years into people liking her again, just keeps upping her game: she recently walked out of a Vanity Fair photo shoot in solidarity with striking Conde Nast workers. Like, we get it! We were being jerks when we thought you were lame!! When I was reading all of the news about this happening I also found this blurb about how Anne Hathaway was originally supposed to have J. Law‘s role in Silver Linings Playbook, opposite Mark Wahlberg instead of Bradley Cooper, and Wahlberg tried to build a clause into his contract where he’d get almost one million dollars if Hathaway left the project because she was such a star at the time; he did not get the money, or ultimately, the role. And as we are several years into not liking Mark Wahlberg, I say: haha.
Were We Ever So Young? No.
Reports are out that Generation Z is terrified of aging worse than millennials; that is to say, “aging like milk.” I would frown with concern but for the fact that I am also age-avoidant and have botox in my forehead so I can’t appear concerned. But I am! Because, my babies: you’re fine. Everybody looks great right now. Have you seen what young people used to look like? High schoolers in the ’80s all looked like moms. We live in a time where if anyone is married or has kids before 30 they’re some sort of wunderkid, but that used to be considered middle-aged! When Full House started, Danny Tanner was turning 30, but he already had three children and owned a home in San Francisco! Can you imagine?! Cliff and Norm were washed-up alcoholics who hated their jobs and lives in Cheers, but they were both younger then than Ariana Grande is now. Jason Alexander was 29 and fully bald in Pretty Woman; they simply do not allow anyone to age like that anymore.
damn that’s crazy i wonder if they went through any germ-based mass trauma that defined their formative years pic.twitter.com/x9XKagGtpC
— Zack Bornstein (@ZackBornstein) January 27, 2024
Dog News!
A recent study out of the Netherlands suggests that domesticated dogs don’t wag their tails because they are happy, but because it makes humans happy. Or at least it did several thousand years ago. Scientists believe that ancient humans started keeping wolves as pets, they believed that tail-wagging was a sign of tameness and then bred for that trait, and present-day dogs wag their tails because people decided that they should. And like, sure. Wagging is nice. But wouldn’t it be wild if those ancient humans had honed in on a different wolf trait? Like what if the howling really got them going, and they bred for the most distinctive howl, or the howl that sounded most like human vocalization, and fast-forward to today and dogs could be talking? If you ever get a time machine, first stop is kill Hitler, but stop number two had better be go talk to the guys who brought wolves inside and let them know that the wagging is cute, but ultimately pointless, and there’s some real potential for hijinks with the talking.
Local Trash
Heavy rains and melting ice are overwhelming Portland sewage systems, and people are advised to stay out of the Willamette for the time being. I am very sorry to have to cancel my plans to go swimming in the Willamette in January.
That’s all for now, Trash Pandas! I hope you have a nice week and that everyone is nice to you. Tell someone they look pretty; it will make their day.
Gently,
