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Dear How to Do It,
I recently came out to my wife as bisexual, and although she has been aware of my sexuality since college, it is only now that I am choosing to self-identify. The feelings of hate and loathing, shame, and denial I had been directing at myself since childhood were such a burden, and I felt I had to stop hiding my feelings and be honest about who I am, without the negativity. Now, I feel the best I ever have about myself and I love it.
The problem is that my wife doesn’t seem to understand how I can be celebrating my love for cock while celebrating my love for pussy, specifically hers. I am not interested in having sex outside our marriage, I love my wife and the intimacy we have together, and the sex we have is super hot, but I am not sure how to express myself honestly without making my wife uncomfortable. I would like to add more dicks to our sex life, but so far results have been mixed. I had thought the answer was dildos, and she agreed to help me explore my sexuality with toys—but I don’t think she likes what that looks like. I have a ton of baggage about being judged, and the look on her face is “shock and disgust.” If she can’t see me she has no problem, we can 69 and I can toy play without the guilt and she has tons of fun, but I don’t feel great about that, I don’t want to stay in the shadows. We are just having a hard time figuring it out, any advice?
—Bi Bi Happiness
Rich: So, the task here is to help your wife get over her biphobia.
Stoya: Are we sure it’s biphobia?
Rich: I mean, it sounds like biphobia to me, “shock and disgust,” but that’s also an interpretation of her reaction.
Stoya: Yeah. We’ve got someone with a lot of history of self-hate, loathing, shame, and denial. And to them, the look on the face of their wife is shock and disgust.
Rich: So, it could be projection, you’re saying?
Stoya: Yes. “And if she can’t see me, she has no problem. We can 69.” You can’t see her face when you’re 69-ing.
Rich: That’s a good point, too.
Stoya: Right? So, I’m not 100 percent on board with biphobia here. Let’s talk about dismantling it. The call may be coming from inside the house.
Rich: I think that’s a great point and I initially took the writer at face value, but now that I look back at it, “The problem is that my wife doesn’t seem to understand how I can be celebrating my love for cock while celebrating my love for pussy.” I mean, unless she said those words, then I don’t think that counts as data, per se. And I think that maybe a conversation needs to take place about that.
Stoya: I feel like there are several different ways to approach this and our writer seems likely to start from a place of, “I need to express my bisexuality.” Which is going to feel at odds with, “I am not interested in having sex outside our marriage.” Whereas, if they start with, “I would like to add more dicks into the sex we have in this way and that way and this other way, do any of those options appeal to you?” that feels much more like how people typically negotiate sexual encounters in a consent-focused kind of way.
Rich: The issue here seems to be less about the LW’s sexuality than about just integrating toys into the bedroom. I mean, there’s not even an interest for the LW to have sex outside of the relationship.
Stoya: I am also thinking they can try, “Hey, wife, I would love to fuck a person with a dick, and the only person I’m interested in having sex with is you. Could we get you a dick? Are you interested in playing out a fantasy of having a dick with me?” I just directed a film that’s all about penis envy. And in the process, every woman who I spoke with about it was like, “Yeah, I’ve thought about what it’s like to have a dick.” And every man I spoke with about it was like, “Huh, it’s never occurred to me to consider what it’s like to have a vagina.”
So, based on that completely anecdotal evidence, I expect that the wife has a good chance of being receptive to wearing a strap-on herself. Most of the women I’ve spoken to, although you have to factor in the kind of women I would speak to, have considered this.
Rich: Is there anything that you can think of that might help the writer get over these feelings of shame and self-hate that they write about in the past? I think that community could help. I mean, I know that they’re not specifically looking to have sex with other people, but being around other queer folks and seeing the way that people can live outside of the shadow of shame and self-hatred I think could be useful.
Stoya: Community and therapy.
Rich: Yeah.
Stoya: And I would encourage them to really consider, why they are not interested in having sex outside of their marriage. Right? What is it? So that they can be prepared to tell their wife spontaneously, “I love you so much and the only person I want is you because this…” When you find out that your partner wants something that you cannot give them, it is natural to feel insecure. So, that might help any negative feelings that are actually happening on the wife’s end. But I also think it’s worth taking a look at some of the signs of biphobia so our writer can keep that in mind when they’re looking at their own relationship.
Rich: Yeah. I think that you’re right. I jumped the gun. What would be needed is an actual declaration of, “I literally don’t understand why you’re like this” for it to veer into biphobia—as opposed to a seeming projection of those feelings.
But I do think that in the event that you do discover biphobia and that the wife specifically is unable to thread that needle, to really understand that, read Zachary Zane’s book, Boyslut. I mean, I think that breaks it down really, really well. I don’t think there’s a question after reading that book as to how somebody could be bisexual.
Stoya: If our writer cannot access community themselves in person, Zane’s book would be a great way to see a bisexual person living fully out in the sunlight. He is absorbing vitamin D.
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