I could easily afford to contribute, perhaps even the full desired amount. But without any details, we know precious little about their actual needs, debts and the medical costs they’re facing. Much of the biggest stuff may be covered by insurance, but they also lost most of their income and have kids to raise. My husband won’t bring it up with his SIL; their relationship is friendly yet superficial.
It feels awkward and almost impersonal to donate to a sibling via a platform that takes a percentage, but SIL just reposted it again. Every time I see it, I feel like a jerk for not acknowledging their obvious need. Then again, my husband maintains tricky dynamics might have vexing consequences. His family isn’t direct (mine is extremely direct). Their stilted, circuitous communication style is deeply mysterious and confusing to me — I am still scratching my head after 20 years.
Should I try to convince my husband to simply allow me to fund the GFM anonymously? Or should I just trust his instinct to not interfere at this time is well-founded and stop feeling so guilty and weird? Should we be patient and wait for more information before we muck up a bad situation with potentially misguided interference?
— Suppressing My Natural Generosity
Suppressing My Natural Generosity: Your style is to be direct? Then pick up the phone and call your SIL and ask how you can help. These are your nieces and nephews she’s raising. If what she needs most is money, ask if she wants it directly versus the GoFundMe. Then inform your husband that you are giving “X” amount now for the urgent needs, and are picking up some ongoing costs of raising children, if that is what your SIL needs.
You and your sister-in-law share having married into a family with communication problems, but you do not need to continue them.
Suppressing My Natural Generosity: Be careful about the option to donate anonymously. I believe it is only anonymous in that others can’t see the donation on the site, but the donation recipient (your sister-in-law) would be able to see the gift came from you.
Suppressing My Natural Generosity: Of course family shouldn’t fund via GoFundMe, but why are you or your husband unable to connect directly with the brother or sister-in-law and ask what they need? There are a lot of questions in your letter that are really begging for a proper discussion to answer them.
It might help to look at this from their point of view and imagine what sort of letter your sister-in-law might write. “Husband is desperately ill, and we are really struggling, but he can’t/won’t ask his brother and his wife, who could well afford it, for help. What should I do?” Or the brother: “I can’t understand why my brother isn’t offering to help. I’ve resorted to posting about my GoFundMe, but still nothing. They could easily afford it. What do you suggest?”
The answer, from either side, is simply going to be: Talk about it. There are many problems in the world that could be solved if people were simply honest about how they are feeling.
Suppressing My Natural Generosity: Why does it matter if the request comes directly or through a platform? A request for donations and financial help has been made. Making a donation through GoFundMe should not “muck up” their situation. For many people, they prefer a platform for donations as it makes it easier to share, and they don’t have to approach people individually and tell them all the details of the request. How exactly they are struggling is not necessarily the business of those who are choosing to donate. Many people are vague with their requests so as not to give out too much personal information.
It sounds as if your spouse has contingencies to his charitable donations — such as being asked directly, knowing where and how the money will be spent, etc. That is fine if that is how he chooses to donate. You do not necessarily have to have the same contingencies if you choose to donate. For some partners, charitable donations are individual acts, where each spouse donates on their own to whatever causes they see fit. They might not even involve their partner in their donation decisions. For other partners, it is a joint decision.
Have a conversation with your spouse regarding charitable donations in general, and decide if you want to make donations a joint decision or an individual one. If your preference is for individual donation decision-making, then you can do as you see fit with the money you choose to donate, just as he can do what he sees fit with the money he chooses to donate (or not donate).
Suppressing My Natural Generosity: Can you tell your husband that your conscience requires you to help that family through the SIL’s preferred route? I personally feel that your husband’s motives are parsimonious and pretty unkind. If your husband challenges your decision to donate then he comes off as a modern day Scrooge, in my humble opinion.
Donate then, as much as you like, in your name only. The recipients will be grateful and relieved, having no doubt wondered why no donation has been forthcoming so far from you two. The absence of your husband’s name will not go unnoticed.
Every week, we ask readers to answer a question submitted to Carolyn Hax’s live chat or email. Read last week’s installment here. New questions are typically posted on Thursdays, with a Monday deadline for submissions. Responses are anonymous unless you choose to identify yourself and are edited for length and clarity.
